Should You Buy An American Bike?
Should you buy an American bike?
LEANINGS
Peter Egan
OKAY, YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING. IN the past few years, I’ve concocted several complex psychological tests to determine whether or not readers had the right stuff to own British, Italian and German bikes. The response has been virtually-if not literally-overwhelming.
Dozens of people who once thought they were mentally unfit to own British bikes are, at this very moment, standing along a roadside somewhere in the dark, peering at the Lucas dual-points setup in a big vertical-Twin with a flashlight, if they remembered to bring one along.
Others, who worried that perhaps they didn’t have the right flair and high sense of personal style to master Italian machinery, are now married to opera stars and downing one cappuccino after another as they attempt to master the famous desmo valve adjust from instructions written in oddly translated English.
Many closet Germanophiles, who wondered if a flat-Twin was right for them, are, even as you read this, thriving on bratwurst and schnapps, and struggling to snake a skinny little BMW two-piece hinged oil filter past the exhaust pipes on an old R100RS, or wondering why the clock in the instrument panel has suddenly stopped running, just before summer.
Now it’s time for American bikes. Are they right for you? Or, more to the point, are you right for them?
Read the questions, take your time, and remember, there is only one right answer per question:
1. A real low point in Western Civilization occurred during: (a) the sack of Rome in 410 AD by the Visigoths; (b) the decline of secular scholasticism in the Middle Ages; (c) the AMF years.
2. The actor whose film roles best personify the modern anti-hero would be: (a) Sal Mineo; (b) Anthony Perkins; (c) Lee Marvin.
3. You are trying to decide on a career after high school. The best choice is: (a) professional home-care pet groomer; (b) Washington lobbyist for a consortium of motorcycle helmet importers; (c) the Marine Corps or Army Airborne.
4. The guitar player you would ride across several state lines to hear is: (a) Julian Bream; (b) John McLaughlin; (c) Billy Gibbons.
5. You drop into a bar and ask for a shot and a beer. The bartender says, “A shot of what?” Your answer should be: (a) Amaretto; (b) Baileys Irish Cream; (c) “You’re kidding, right?”
6. The proper displacement of a motorcycle engine should be determined by: (a) nervous insurance agents; (b) the arbitrary division of racing classes as developed by fuel-starved Europeans just after WWI; (c) the pleasure center of the brain.
7. Motorcycle boots should be worn: (a) on Sunday-morning rides; (b) after work; (c) any time you aren’t sleeping in a bed with clean sheets.
8. The best place to sleep is: (a) in a bed with clean sheets; (b) on a pool table; (c) beside your bike in some field in South Dakota.
9. If you could fly any airplane you wanted, it would be: (a) a Beech Bonanza; (b) a Gulfstream V biz-jet; (c) a P-47 Thunderbolt.
10. The best-looking design for an aircraft engine is: (a) a fuel-injected Lycoming flat-Six; (b) a BMW/RollsRoyce turbofan; (c) a Pratt & Whitney Double Wasp air-cooled radial.
11. The best chase vehicle for following a pack of bikes on a weekend motorcycle run is: (a) an extended-bed minivan; (b) a Mercedes 190E sedan with a trailer; (c) a restored 1946 Dodge pickup.
12. Legislation that restricts smoking in public places is good because it: (a) protects your health by reducing exposure to secondary smoke; (b) prevents your designer sweater from smelling stale the next morning; (c) keeps the riff-raff out of the smoking section.
13. The main purpose of a motorcycle gas tank should be: (a) to cover up the electrical system so the real gas tank can be hidden somewhere under the seat; (b) to make the bike look as much as possible like someone else’s design; (c) to hold gasoline and look good.
14. The best thing about light beer is: (a) you can drink and stay thin; (b) it’s less filling; (c) you don’t have any in the refrigerator.
15. A properly designed motorcycle engine should idle as smoothly as a blender filled with: (a) piña colada mix; (b) banana daiquiris; (c) blackstrap molasses and hand grenades.
16. The person with whom you would most like to have a beer and a shot of Jack Daniel’s while listening to ZZ Top on the jukebox of a smoky bar would be: (a) Newt Gingrich; (b) Roseanne Barr; (c) Willie G. Davidson.
17. Historically, the people with the best sense of design and personal style were the: (a) Vatican Swiss Guard; (b) court of Louis XIV; (c) Indians of the American Great Plains.
18. The main purpose of the “peanut” tank on the Sportster is: (a) to provide fresh air and exercise for those walking to the next gas station; (b) to enhance the relative largeness of the engine beneath; (c) no one now living can remember.
19. During winter, a restored Panhead should be kept: (a) under a carport; (b) in the garage with the lawnmower; (c) along the living room wall, between the fireplace and the full-stack Marshall JCM 900 and your black 1959 Les Paul Custom.
20. The most significant film director of the Sixties is: (a) Russ Meyer; (b) Blake Edwards; (c) Dennis Hopper.
22. If motorcycles could sing, your bike would sound most like: (a) Michael Jackson; (b) the Vienna Boys Choir; (c) Bob Seger harmonizing with Gregg Allman.
23. A motorcycle should look good: (a) for five years; (b) until next year’s model comes out; (c) until you go blind or die of old age.
There. That should do it. The answers, once again, are self-evident. If you got any wrong, you can at least take some consolation in knowing you won’t find yourself on a three-year waiting list for a new motorcycle.
