Proper Choppers

Proper choppers

UP FRONT

David Edwards

SURELY IT IS ONE OF THE SIGNS OF THE impending Apocalypse, like goats lying down with dogs or Bob Dylan appearing in a Victoria’s Secret lingerie commercial. Right there in Cobo Hall at the big Detroit Auto Show we have America’s favorite anger-management candidates, Paul and Pauler of Orange County Choppers, rolling out their latest “theme” bike, commissioned by none other than Lincoln-freakin’-Mercury, Ford’s “prestige” division.

Yes, you read that right. A Lincoln chopper. Somewhere, dear old Henry is looking down, going, “What the... ”

Or maybe not. The man understood marketing, after all, and FoMoCo could use some good ink these days, having posted billion-dollar losses in recent years. Lincoln Mercury has been particularly lackluster. Remember the Blackwood, a thermonuclear dud of a luxury pickup that featured a permanent tonneau cover so that the only thing that actually fit in the bed was a laiddown bag of golf clubs? Or maybe an undocumented nanny, equally supine?

Even blue-bloods saw that as stupid, so Lincoln went back to the drawing board and came up with the 2006 Mark LT pickup, based on the four-door Ford F-150, but with more chrome and a cushier interior, starting price $39,995. To prove it’s a real truck, not merely a country-club conveyance, Lincoln paid the Teutuls probably three times that amount to come up with a matching chopper-never mind that the damn thing is so long, ain’t no way it could ever be hauled around in the truck.

“It gives us exposure to people we might not get exposed to,” said delighted division president Darryl Hazel. “Lincoln Mercury is back!”

“This is probably the classiest looking bike we’ve built at OCC,” opined Paul Jr. about his handiwork. No moron jokes, please, oxy or otherwise.

Actually, I’m going to stand up for the Teutuls, who have taken some drubbing as of late (see “Hotshots,” this issue). But first, a little historical perspective. Technically, most of the custom bikes being built today are not choppers, in that nothing is being chopped.

These are instead build-ups, with mix-n-match parts taken from catalogs and shelves, maybe modified, maybe topped by a gas tank that someone has bent, hammered and welded, as the TV cameras delight in showing. This is as opposed to the cut-downs of the ’20s and ’30s, the bob-jobs of the ’40s and ’50s and the choppers of the early ’60s before things got wacky and exaggerated. All of these started as stock machines that were then whittled down, first for performance, second for style.

Not to pick on the two Pauls here because they’re not the only guilty parties, but they seem to revel in adding cubic crap to their theme bikes, everything from a toolbox worth of heavy wrenches in one episode to a welding machine on wheels in another. Sweet Jeezus, choppers do not tow trailers; leave that to the Mark LTs! Or Gold Wings.

Not all of today’s neo-choppers are so afflicted. In fact, I’d make the argument that the better examples of the breed are among the cleanest, finest-built vehicles ever constructed, two wheels or four. I’m thinking of some of Jesse James’ and Paul Yaffe’s bikes, or the Martin Brothers out of Dallas, or Young Choppers from Georgia. Any history of 21st-century American customs would be incomplete without these builders.

But the Teutuls deserve a place, too. The vox populi has spoken and television ratings don’t lie. People love these guys and their clown bikes.

God bless, I say. Hey, I’m old enough to remember the dark days (pre “CHiPs,” even), a time when the only motorcycles shown on television were at the Ascot TT or Mexican 1000 off-road race when Jim McKay and the crew from “ABC’s Wide World of Sports” dropped in to film a quick segment. That and the sadly shortlived series “Then Came Bronson.”

Now, to the lament of wives and girlfriends everywhere, it’s almost impossible to make a run through the channel guide without bumping into some kind of motorcycle programming. If you’re a racing fan, this truly is glory time. Same-day coverage of MotoGP, World Supers and AMA roadracing is just the beginning. Last weekend, for instance, I could flip from speedway to supermotard to supercross, one right after the other, then follow that up with an On Any Sunday rerun and Dakar Rally highlights later in the day. A man could wear out a couch at this rate.

And then there are the builder shows, props to Jesse James and the “Motorcycle Mania” documentaries, which laid the groundwork for the “Monster Garage” series. We also have the welldone “Biker Build-Off” head-to-heads, “Southern Steel,” which has a slightly unsettling Deliverance vibe to it, and a new one, “Build or Bust,” wherein regular citizens are given a parts catalog and 30 days to come up with their dream chopper-if it passes muster, they get to keep the bike.

And, of course, the Teutuls with “American Chopper,” a contentious train wreck of a show that you can’t help but watch. Ratings are great, critics fawn and companies like Lincoln Mercury line up to have bikes built, six-figure invoices not a problem.

Choppers, once the most anti-social of vehicles, a threat to everything from the American way to our daughters’ good names, now the media darlings of Madison Avenue. Is this a funny country or what?