Up Front

UP FRONT

Allan Girdler

DEPARTMENTS

A BOOB ON THE TUBE

During the reign of that mass delusion known as Pop Art, one of its prophets said that thanks to the miracles of space age science and communication, every individual on the face of the earth would someday be world famous, that is, would appear on television for 15 minutes.

Having seen the results of my own exposure a word not chosen lightly—on •^National Television! for 15 seconds, I am here to offer my remaining 14:45 to, oh, let’s say the BLM, or EPA or DOT or any of the government groups dedicated to saving us from us and thus richly deserving of shame and suffering and looking not unlike a fool.

Which is how I looked.

Like all wounds, this was self-inflicted. One fine Tuesday, I got a call from ABC’s news bureau in New York. They were planning a story about Harley-Davidson and its petition charging financial damage and unfair trading practices by the Japanese factories. (Harley won, but that news is reported elsewhere and wasn’t important here.)

Get quoted on the TV news, eh? Well. On the one hand, it would be a chance to get Cycle World’s name seen by umpteen-million people. And my mother would be proud.

On the other hand television is famous for hitting only the high and sensational spots of news. Was I willing to risk having them over-simplify the issue and me, to the detriment of bikes and Cycle World? The caller seemed like a nice chap. He’d been a newspaper man, he said, and knew how to condense without distorting, so I said okay, ask me the questions.

We spoke at length. I didn’t take notes or record the conversation, but for reasons to be made clear in due course, here’s the gist of the interview.

Why do people buy Harleys? Em not sure, exactly, but as quickly as I can guess, it’s because they look like motorcycles and sound like motorcycles.

Are Harleys better than Japanese motorcycles? The question doesn’t compute. Harleys aren’t better or worse. They are different. Is my overpowered old convertible better than my wife’s luxury sedan? I dunno, do you want to listen to the exhaust pipes or the radio?

Isn’t Harley’s engine ancient and outmoded? I’ll answer the implication instead of the question. One of Harley’s engines traces back directly to 1936, but it’s not the same engine, and what’s wrong with not changing what works? Further, the ink is barely dry on the Honda and Yamaha V-Twins while Harley’s been making them since 1909. One could say Harley was ahead of its time.

Aren’t Harleys overpriced? Make that expensive. All big bikes are overpriced or expensive, be they FLTs, Aspencades, RIOORTs or KZ 1300s. The problem is that Harley only makes big bikes, thus their prices are much higher than the price of the average Honda.

What Harley needs to do, and will do finances permitting, is widen its own product line.

I think every American bike nut wants, openly or secretly, to own a Harley. Someday. They may not want the models now in production because they're too big or styled to an extreme or something like that.

Do the Japanese motorcycle companies want to put Harley-Davidson out of business? No. Not in those words or on those terms. Business is tough. Every factory wants to sell every bike it can sell. It might be that while the giants show no mercy the little guys get squashed. But it won’t be personal.

Aren’t Harleys troublesome and unreliable? They have that reputation. I can’t argue with the horror stories. My own experience has been good, and our experience at the magazine has been that the recent models give less trouble than we get from the average test bike. In fact, I volunteered, the FXRS and newest Sportster are so good and gave us so little bother that people get mad when we tell them how good they are. Spoils the legend, or something.

Should Harley be protected from competition? No. As a believer in free enterprise and free trade, I can’t support any protection of any company.

Are the Japanese competing unfairly? I can answer that only by not answering that. I don’t know. I didn’t read the evidence or hear the testimony. We have a rulebook and a referee. My job is to sit in the press box and report what the ref said. Will Harley survive? Yes. I say that in part because I have to believe it. The people who run and work at H-D are doing everything they can do with what they’ve got. Unless I doubt that hard work is worth it, I must believe they are going to survive and prosper.

And that, condensed and tidied up, is what I told the man in New York. Next came a call from a woman at ABC in Los Angeles, in which I went through the interview again. Then they sent a film crew to the office.

The actual taping began badly. They asked if I could direct them to a biker bar between our office and the ABC studio. I said no, I don’t know where any biker bars are and I probably wouldn’t tell if I did.

They turned on the equipment and asked the questions again. Then because I was afraid I’d be taken as too partisan, we went to the shop and I showed them one, of my two, emphasis two, Hondas, and my Harley.

Next morning bright and early I turned on the TV and there came two big Harleys riding toward the camera while the voice said Harley has filed for protection. Then they had Vaughn Beals, H-D chairman, saying that the Japanese are competing unfairly. Then the reporter, who was wearing a trenchcoat, no kidding, said Harleys have a reputation for being troublesome and unreliable.

Then I came on the screen. Saying that American bike nuts would like to buy Harley except not necessarily the ones being made now.

As they say in the valley, OmiGod OmiGod!

My comment about model range had been used after their comment about reliability. My comment about reliability had been left out. I’d been afraid I'd look like a defender. They’d made me into an attacker. Not only a critic, but an unfair critic.

Ever hear the vaudeville routine about the man who buys the cheap suit? One sleeve longer than the other, etc. but the salesman says if he stoops over, pulls one arm higher than the other, walks with one foot pointed this way and the other foot pointed that way, it’ll be fine.

So he puts on the suit and walks out of the store. Look at that poor crippled man, says the first passerby. Yeah, says the second, but doesn’t his suit fit good.

And that was my moment of glory. Hair brushed, shirt pressed, voice clear as a bell. . . with my thoughts jumbled by time and poor editing into a cheap suit called network news.

PS. My mother wasn’t watching.