The New Model
THE NEW MODEL
A Design Conference In Action; We Pray That It Is Not True.
JOHN V. MYERS
CHARACTERS: Boss, Engineer, Style Man. Cost Man. and New Man. SCENE: The board room of a motorcycle corporation, which—with appropriate variations in the language and technical details of the play—could be located almost anywhere that cycles are produced.
BOSS (standing at head of the long, mahogany table): Well, boys, I trust you all had a restful vacation, and now it’s time to get down to work and knock out the new model Blitzen Bolt. But first I want you to meet Jones, here, who is joining our team fresh out of engineering college to serve as Henry’s assistant, (introductions and handshakes)
Jones, we don’t expect you to contribute much to this first meeting, but just listen in and maybe you’ll absorb some of the spirit that animates this great industry.
Now, as all you old hands know, the key to success in this business is the happy dealer, and gentlemen-owrs are not happy! My desk is simply covered with complaints! Not only has the sale of parts dropped off, but when it comes to repairs, our owners have become a bunch of do-it-yourself artists! Now, I want to know what has caused this situation, and what we are going to do about it!
NEW MAN (barely audible): Sir, if 1-
STYLE MAN: I know one reason for it, J. G.! 1 was in my Mercedes the other day when a Blitzen Bolt came up behind me and-1 swear this is true, J. G.! — I heard his original equipment horn going bzz, bzz, bzz -just as plain as day! (Cries of consternation, dismay, and disbelief fill the room.) I’ll admit 1 had my window rolled down, but still, J. G., you know what this means!
BOSS: Of course I know what it means! Our owners are making out with their factory-installed horns and aren't buying those imported jobs from our dealers, and if this situation is not corrected immediately, we’ll be the laughingstock of the entire industry!
ENGINEER: I’ve got an idea, J. G. Why don’t we tuck the horn up under the seat where the padding will muffle the sound!
STYLE MAN: That’s no good, Henry! A horn ought to be out where you can at least see it!
COST MAN: May I propose a compromise, gentlemen? Why don’t we switch over to those teensy little horns they’ve started putting on the kiddies’ tricycles, but install them in the usual place? I guarantee that you won't be able to hear them over 10 feet away! Furthermore, I think I can purchase them for about 1 1 cents each. Our present horns cost 19 cents, so that would mean a savings per unit ofuh-let’s seeBOSS: Eight cents, Ralph. Now gentlemen, that’s what I call creative thinking, and there just might be a little bonus in this for you come Christmas time, Ralph!
COST MAN (smiling and blushing at the same time): I appreciate that J. G.!
BOSS: Now, gentlemen, we come to the styling of the new Blitzen Bolt, and (sitting down) I think I'll just turn the meeting over to Frank.
NEW MAN (fidgeting with a big piece of paper on the table before him): Sir, before you move on -
STYLE MAN: Thank you, J. G. Well, as most of you know, some years ago under J. G.’s inspired guidance we established the sequence of putting rubber knee plaques on the gas tank one year, leaving them off the next year and installing dust covers on the front forks, and the third year leaving off the knee plaques and the dust covers and welding a crosspiece on the handlebars. Now, this happens to be the year to leave off the plaques and crossbar and put on the dust covers. But gentlemen, I wonder how many of you are aware of the fact that this is the 25th anniversary of J.G.’s taking over as President of the Company? So, in celebration of J. G.’s silver anniversary, I am proposing that this year-hang on to your hats-we shoot the works and put on all three— plaques, dust covers, and crossbars!
COST MAN (figuring furiously with pencil and paper): Now just hold on a minute, Frank! That'll mean an extra cost per unit of-uh let’s see-
ENGINEER: Hang the cost. Ralph!
Now, let's hear it for old J. G.Ü (applause for the boss and exclamations of approval for the style man's proposal)
BOSS (resumes standing, and with tears in eyes): Gentlemen, this is just about the happiest day of my life, and I shall always treasure the memory of it! And now (wiping his eyes and looking at his watch), if there’s nothing more-
NEW MAN (with a boldness born of desperation, holding up his paper): Sir. I have an idea on that do-it-yourself business!
BOSS (obviously irritated): Well. Jones, 1 wish you would have spoken up when we were on that subject, and it’s almost five o'clock, but go ahead-let’s see what you’ve got. I only hope you'll be as brief as possible.
NEW MAN: Thank you, sir. Now, if you'll all gather around and look at this diagram (they do so, reluctantly at first hut with steadily increasing interest), 1 think you’ll be able to see what l have in mind. Observe first of all that the kickstand is somewhat shorter than on the old model and has a much smaller foot. In soft earth or asphalt, the foot sinks, the machine falls, and-
BOSS: And a sweet little repair job right there, with any luck at all!
NEW MAN: Thank you, sir. Naturally, the owner will want to replace the kickstand —
BOSS: A sale for the dealer! Go on, boy, don't let me interrupt you!
NEW MAN: -and he will assume thatin order to remove the old one-it will be a simple matter of taking out this pivot bolt. At this point-look closely, gentlemen-he discovers to his dismay (all chuckle in glee) that the bolt cannot be removed because the inner chain case is in the way! He must first loosen the brake control rod, remove the left footrest, take out the 12 chain case screws, and remove the outer chain case, the clutch assembly, the drive sprocket, the primary chain, and the inner case.
And gentlemen, removing the clutch assembly and drive sprocket requires special pullers which will-in the endforce our would-be do-it-yourselfer into the welcoming arms of our smiling dealer! (Proceeding like sleepwalkers, all but the boss resume their seats. A long, stunned silence ensues, disturbed only by soft, little cries of ''brilliant,'' “astounding, “and the like.)
BOSS (reverently, and almost choking with emotion): Gentlemen. I trust you realize that we have here, today, been privileged to witness one of the major breakthroughs in the history of motorcycle engineering, and that our layout will soon be setting the standard for the whole industry! (holds out his hand to the new man) Jones, welcome aboard!
NEW MAN (beaming with pride and the joy of acceptance): Thank you J. G.!
BOSS (regaining control of himself): Well, team, with all these improvements in the new model, what d'ya say we change the name to “Super-Bolt”!
CHORUS: Good idea, J. G.! Super-Bolt! Super-Bolt! (Meeting breaks up, andas the curtain slowly descends, they all come up to offer the new man not, however, without a touching little display of jealousy on the part of the old engineertheir congratulât ions. ) (O]
